Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
You Might Also Like
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
motivation
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
When I take a walk, I bring dog treats and people treats. I almost never mix them up.
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
Fact: The reason the giant A380 has an 2nd floor is because, if it didn’t, the people above would fall on the people below. Idiot.
*deep inhale*
YOU TELLIN ME A GAR LICKED THIS BREAD!?!?!?!???!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review