Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
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I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
He went from scream to scary movie in seconds😭
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”
I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.
Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it
me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?
Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
[michael jackson if he became an ER nurse instead of a singer]
annie? are you okay?
you’ve been hit by *flips page on chart*
you’ve been struck by… *flips next page*
a toyota corolla
All soups are gazpacho if you’re lazy enough
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.