Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people

One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T

The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!

[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”

*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*

People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.

Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.

It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?

Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.

Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.

Can’t. Just put my hair in a bun and that’s just about enough exercise for today.

Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.

H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?

I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.

FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!

My comment: So was the Titanic.

i’m not “wearing a costume” that would be childish and silly. i’m wearing a disguise

*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes

No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”

“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”

* me, in public on more than one occasion.

instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club

I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.

[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm

Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*

If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.

Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off

McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns

Me: yep

McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family

Me: my what now?

Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.

[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.

me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?

coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night

gas pump: see attendant

me: looks like i no longer need gas

Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.

My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.

She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.