Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.

My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.

I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.

Just got to our Airbnb!

My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up

I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.

I’m a good person!

You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.

I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker

I was raised by my father.

He was a competitive poker player.

TREE: omg what happened to you

LOG: i was hacked

Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.

Facebook-

You: Going to a concert tonight!

Friend: Sweet, what concert?

Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO

Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude

i have one speed and it’s mosey

ME: how old is your son?

WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months

Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear

Him: cuts ear off

Her: I just wanted u to listen to me

Him: nah, I’m good

I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.

Sorted

Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams

your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice

Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…

I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL

My horoscope today just said “NOPE”

*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*

They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?

*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*

May it please the Court.

I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.

If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.

your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.