Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.

*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*

*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-

ope

A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.

I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.

Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁

ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”

ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”

I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.

[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed

[first day as a billionaire]

Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero

“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”

who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often

My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.

Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!

“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*

My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?

Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*

Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.

haha same

When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.

Dropped an egg on the floor this morning, so now I have to tell one of my sons that he can’t go to college.

I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.

Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.

Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.

My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.

I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam

Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.

Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.

Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel

Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you

I ate everything, including the H.

If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.

It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.