Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: my grandfather was George Washington

Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather

Me: i mean he was okay

2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod

2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod

[Arrested for prank calling police]

Cop: You get one phone call

Me: ok

*cop’s phone rings*

Me: is your refrigerator running

Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.

2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*

5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?

My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy

I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spirit

seeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power

My favorite part about wearing a romper is getting completely naked in public restrooms.

My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing it

I have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him

This is motherhood

Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy

Just to piss off my kids

how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest

I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”

Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.

Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!

*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*

*orders some*

I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.

I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…

…or a giant gorilla.

~Super Mario’s mom probably

The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.

[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]

little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶

OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail

if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.

Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?

call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today

I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.

Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.

Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.

barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job

Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?

*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*

“I’ll still marry you”

No. I’m married to the sea now

*dives in*