Middle-aged math is going out drinking and feeling half your age then waking up the next morning feeling twice your age.
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New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.