Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
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The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
When folks describe me as ‘a riot’, you might think it means I’m ‘fun and hilarious’. It really means I’m ‘broken glass and molotov cocktails’.
me: [texting] hey sorry but my powerful enemy just said “seize him” to all his underlings
boss: what time can you be here
me: i dunno man they’re seizing me like right now
boss: we’re short staffed today
me: i’m getting seized
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
Breaking news:
Good morning, Twitter 😊
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
Are people born with photographic memories or do they take time to develop ??
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
Waiting for the Charmin
HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully
PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows
Want to talk trash? Recycle.