Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
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My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar