Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
You Might Also Like
*me flirting
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
Happy thanksgiving
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
They should make a movie where Hannibal becomes giant and is eating everyone. Then he watches the Ring tape on a giant screen and Sadako comes out and is huge and they fight
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice