Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DOG 911: what’s ur emer-

DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME

DOG 911: can you bite it?

DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH

DOG 911: OMG

DOG: OMG

Mormon cats have 9 wives.

It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”

what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks

“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not

White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.

So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”

lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-

millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in

ghost: *appearing* prepare to die

millennial: omg even better

My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ

9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later

9:33 a.m. technically this is later

Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?

I want that job. I could really screw with some people.

[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!

Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.

Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?

Her: No.

Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?

Gravy boats are the opposite of boats

a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class

Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.

When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.

Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it

I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.

Apparently they are called children.

I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.

All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.

3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.

Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band

Wife: What is this?

Me: The grocery list

W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”

Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way

notebooks need to stop saying notebook on them. girl we know…

It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.

Me to the bartender: When you asked me if I wouldn’t mind some head I thought you meant…

If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.

Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…

Me: but what should I say?

Brain: ask her if she likes meat…

Me: What?

Brain: c’mon man, do it…

[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]

[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!