MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
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{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
I’m sorry…what?
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache