Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”

You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.

(making small talk with a couple) so have you guys ever cheated on each other?

[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing

I always carry a condom.

I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.

This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!

2022 will be better than 2021

I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.

Fun Things

Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.

Me on a diet: being fat is fine.

Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit

A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa

me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me

turbo tax advisor:

LMAO

Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao

*Courtroom erupts in laughter*

Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect

everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades

My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.

Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast

Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.

Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder

My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.

who called it girl dinner and not the female graze.

We need it on priority

[trying to impress date]

Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.

Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*

5 Stages of Pregnancy:

1: Crying

2: Peeing

3: Crying because you peed

4: Peeing because you’re crying

5: The toilet is your home now

my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”

God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead

[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good

Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.

I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”

My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.