middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie
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Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
I have taken to screwing with scam texts. It is my only joy during a dark period.
Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter
Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
My son doesn’t like when I participate in his slang world lol!
Beware of fowl play.
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
Olympics, but with real life skills like who can build the tallest pile of trash on top of the can to avoid taking it out
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
Took three Ambiens and tried to call God on the microwave
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*