middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie
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Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
*gets up from couch after laying on it with eyes closed for 30 minutes*
Me: I’m going to take a nap.
Husband: Wasn’t that just what you were doing?
Me: That was a pre-nap. Time for the real thing.
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
My children, who were born two years apart, recently informed me they are actually twins, that they know this on a soul-level, and that what happened was my youngest got tangled in a tube inside me somewhere and just sort of… hung out for two years on accident
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.