IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
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Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
Cat is stressing him out.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
I hope this email finds you in a well
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
so a US company has to buy tiktok or the app will be banned??? Well folks, looks like we need to put on the best talent show this town has ever seen.
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
@funTweeters
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
dutch so unserious
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory