Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.

I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.

i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)

ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*

HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you

ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this

*Speeding*

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?

Me: My singing?

Cop:

Me: My smile?

Cop:

*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?

listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time

“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians

Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?

Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.

Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.

[1st date]

me: are you cold?

date: *shivering* a little

me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks

Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*

Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.

Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”

Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”

professor x: what’s your superpower?

me: disappointing people

professor x: I was expecting a much better answer

me: see?

Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.

I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.

I don’t always push on pull doors but when I do, I do it two or three times to confirm how dumb I really am.

“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”

Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.

Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been

Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.

Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.

Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.

I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.

Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’

time as an adult:

Halloween

(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving

(5 minutes later)
Christmas

I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.

Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.

I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke

Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.