Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: You said pick the kids up

Wife: OUR KIDS

Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense

Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.

I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.

Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.

Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN

I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.

“TGIM!” – My liver

I put the “pro” in inappropriate

I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.

I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.

[swimming pool]

Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?

Lifeguard: that’s impossible

Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable

People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.

i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs

I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.

Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.

Just be glad I don’t have kids.

Me: *eating turkey*

Cartographer: My work!

I would throw myself under a duvet for you.

Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.

The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.

CONDUCTOR: all aboard!

ME: i’m pretty bored

CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train

ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too

If you’re thinking of having kids, please know that my 8 year old is currently sobbing because my 5 year old won’t let him talk to his pet balloon.

Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.

Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.

Last night I served this couple and I said “hey how are you ladies tonight?” And one said “we are great thanks” and in the thickest Jamaican accent her girlfriend stopped her and said “dont tell her I’m good. I’m never good. I’m awful. I need food immediately” obsessed with her

Medium: You want to contact your late husband?

Me: Yes.

Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?

Me: OMG it’s him.

One time I wanted to avoid all the PTA moms, so I told them my cupcakes were store bought.

Someone left an anonymous love note on my daughter’s desk and the first thing she did was put it in a ziploc baggie so she can get DNA and fingerprints

I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.

me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”

the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this

I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.

This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.

“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”

I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.

Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.

She’s gotten sick of pizza.

Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so