[middle of a heated argument]
Him: I’m leaving you
Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*
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Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
Apologies for the delays. The suitcase smashing machine has broken down, so we’re having to smash suitcases by hand.
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier
I was downtown today on the sidewalk screaming at a plastic bag I thought was a ghost and then I saw you see me and then you crossed the street and now I need to tell you in person I know it wasn’t a ghost so when you hear tapping at your backdoor tonight just come out please.
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go firstDate: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?
Me: Should male sheep be called heep?
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person