*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
You Might Also Like
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
What word has the biggest disconnect between spelling and pronunciation?
Asking for our friend, Siobhan.
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
People who say “no pun intended” are weak. Intend your puns, you coward
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
*discovering a dead body*
Friend: When I said call for help I kind of meant the police?
Me: Aww man…sorry dude, you heard him.
Guy from Blue’s Clues: I’m still getting paid right
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
When I was a kid, I had an imaginary friend named Jeff. On my 8th birthday, I asked my dad if he could come to my party and he said “Jeff got arrested for stealing a horse.”
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
Why did they call it an Amazon wishlist and not an ‘Oughttobuyography’.
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me