*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
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When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos
I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
Carpe DM
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
why we do always assume Pat is short for Patrick when it could also be short for Patatouille
I hate when my cat runs into my bedroom and hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in my bathtub holding a crucifix.
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
I miss my kids the most when they go to bed and the mosquitoes go after me because they have no other options.
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
It’s an epidemic…
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
Which demographic buys the most barbies?
Australian fathers
[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.