Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting

Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.

Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.

Her:

Him:

Her:

Him: Be right back…

Darth Vader wanted to kill Solo but didn’t have the necessary Han die coordination.

#StarWarsDay

Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.

*hops in time machine*

him: where ya going?

me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW

Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house

Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates

[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.

[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.

I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.

These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times

-me during my whole shift

My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance

[on the phone]

Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.

CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?

My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.

[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]

Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?

It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.

I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting

My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites

Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home

spider: I need 4 pairs of pants

assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress

spider: I’ll give it a try

[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantastic

assistant: very attractive, sir

I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.

car not found

Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days

During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars

What word has the biggest disconnect between spelling and pronunciation?

Asking for our friend, Siobhan.

[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse

A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:

I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body

The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.

inappropriate Care Bears be like:

One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.

Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.

FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles

[later]

WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-

ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg