*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second
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I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
date: I’m a really big people person
frankenstein: omg, same
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
[paleontology class]
PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?
STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?
PROFESSOR: bingo!
STUDENT: *smug look*
PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter
Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
A song I wrote for the happy couple: “Julie, Letting You Go Was Without A Doubt the Biggest Mistake of My Life.”
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
As a tree surgeon, the hardest part of my job is explaining to a patient they’ll never walk again.
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time