Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school

spy hq: none suspect you, right?

me: roger

spy hq: keep her in sight

[later]

teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?

me: i’ve been made

spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!

no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass

take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.

Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.

Relax, this is my emotional support knife.

“Some say I have a drinking problem”

*pours glass of water on lap*

[christmas day]

God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they

Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever

God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer

Dear microwave companies,

Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?

Sincerely,
Everyone

Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.

Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.

The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.

villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!

me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please

villain:

villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice

me: oh shit

Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.

Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.

there should be a tented fingers emoji. for when you’re feeling ruminative

“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early

I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.

*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.

“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.

*first date*

Him: So, I’m a youth minister.

Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.

As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.

The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.

Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.

Me – I’m not in the mood to work today

My bank account – you better GET in the mood

I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.

Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name

Them: just trust your gut

Me: the one full of chocolate and coffee?

Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.

[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this

Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.

My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.

This is bullshit.