*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second
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Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
Due to my obvious intelligence and the confusing of me for another boy with the same last name, I was placed in the gifted class.
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
About 6 years ago, a new lad at work would have been sacked if I hadn’t spotted what he was doing wrong and stepped in. Now, he’s my manager & records my weekly performance. Without fail I’m 100-110%. It’s really nearer 30% with the rest of the week spent playing FIFA. Cheers bud
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
When I tell a joke that doesn’t land, I follow up with a worse one to make my audience realize how good they had it with the first joke.
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.