Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.

Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.

My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.

[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE

My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…

Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.

Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships

I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.

4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–

Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.

4: *sigh* kay…

It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.

if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.

If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?

This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab

[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”

*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*

Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart

Me: it’s pandamonium!

Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]

Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe

guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed

I have a place for everything. The floor.

robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?

I made a belt made out of old watches. It was a waist of time

Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.

Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.

Date: everything ok?

Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife

Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?

Me: tonight if you play your cards right

I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same

[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern

the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks

i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know

My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.

Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming

ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat