Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
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Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
why do chefs always have to cut everything so fast. It’s just an onion man why don’t you relax
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
#gardening
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
me [stands up]:
my watch [passive aggressively]:
you did it
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
I like the concept of restaurant appetizers: “Bring me something to eat. And bring me something else to eat while I’m waiting.”
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
logging onto twitter…
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
