[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
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“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.