[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
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*Midwesterners validating weather*
-20 out: “it wouldn’t be that cold without the wind”
99 degrees: “i’m only sweating because of the humidity”
20 degrees: “honestly if ya stand in the sun it’s not that bad”
47 degrees: driving with the windows down bc it’s finally “nice out”
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
My child just threatened to never watch tv again and I can’t decide if he’s really bad or really good at threats.
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
Whenever I see a lone shoe on the road I figure someone’s foot has been raptured
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
Windows
welcome back
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
Waking up has backfired on me so many times
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
Aries: Maybe you don’t understand what you’re doing with your life, but you’re not alone. No one else understands what you’re doing with your life, either.
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word