middle school in the ’90s
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guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.
automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.