middle school in the ’90s
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My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
what day is it?
Friend: Wanna go out tonight?
Me: You know the rule, man. I need to be notified at least 3 months in advance.
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
used the phrase “it’s actually a secret third thing” in response to a question from my dissertation committee yesterday and nobody laughed, rip
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
please tinder add AI to your app. i dont want to be involved in the modern dating experience. let a robot do it for me. let the machines suffer in our place
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
[exiting the voting booth with a little cup of urine] does anybody know who I give this too?
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.