middle school in the ’90s
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I’ve had worse
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
Friends that check up on you >
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
look, a three-day weekend once a month is all i ask. the rest can be four-day weekends
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
When I grow up, I want to be 16
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
[AGM of potato mashers]
“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”