[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
I have a type: disappointing
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
Don’t forget to donate blood today to make room for more food
my buddy told me he was on a plane and they were like “is there a doctor on board” and he was like “im a paramedic” and they were like “no it’s ok we found a DOCTOR” and the doctor was like “uhhh i haven’t examined a patient since med school can we please bring the paramedic”
anyways turns out the person was just sleeping so everything was fine
I’d rather fork than spoon.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*
Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
