Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma

a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering

Wanna know how to make your own beer? Just pour root beer into a square glass.

6: that’s none of your business

4: it IS my business

6:

4: what does business mean

[before surgery]

doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?

me: yes, every night

Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:

Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas

Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no

Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories

Me: Maybe you should start counting your days

My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days

I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…

…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.

Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.

I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.

I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.

Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’

Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’

If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.

The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.

“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”

“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”

– How to put on glasses.

When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny

At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now

Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.

Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.

My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.

He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground

I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.

My favourite machine at the gym is the television.

ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess

ME: i sell human organs on the black market

JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more

Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.

I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”

Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands

“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.

when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.

In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.