“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
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Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?