Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.

The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.

Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe

[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse

Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing

[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]

“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”

Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.

Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron

Friend: I grew as a person

Me: Did you molt?

Friend: What?

Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?

Friend:

Me: Can I see it?

me: what kind of dog is that?

him: husky

me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?

Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed

[First Date]

I’ll just have a salad.

[Second Date]

*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*

I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.

Man, how coked up was the guy that came up with teenage mutant ninja turtles

Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.

Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.

Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think

How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.

Nothing, it was on the house.

#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?

SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL

It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.

FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”

Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire

Wife: what really happened?

Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour

I played Dodgeball…

I got Bullied….

I ate Gluten…

I didn’t get Participation Trophies…

I turned out fine…

So will your kid…

Me: I’m not delusional.

Squirrel: There she goes again.

I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.

I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”

Unless:

-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering food

Do NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet

Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk