“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
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[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
shut up and take my money
[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
I’d hang this in my house.
Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
liiiiiiiiike