Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.
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if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
It be like that sometimes 😆
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
lmao
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.