Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.

The 9 circles of hell:

9) limbo

8) lust

7) gluttony

6) greed

5) anger

4) heresy

3) violence

2) fraud

1) shopping on Black Friday

I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet

Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.

* asks plastic surgeon

” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”

There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.

Just seen my doctor about the fake pain in my leg. He’s diagnosed me with pretendonitis.

“stop hiding behind your goons and fight me one on one” look buddy we all have the same number of hours in a day, it’s not my fault you didn’t spend any time cultivating a corps of loyal goons

Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.

Me: Absolutely. Email me?

if you watch Friday the 13th part 3 backwards, a hockey goalie heals murder victims by walking away from them.

TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.

“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”

My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.

Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.

Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.

Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?

Me- Never, just ask my husband.

An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.

date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no

Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.

roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.

8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.

Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.

Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!

Resistance training

But me dragging my kids into school.

I put the hot in psychotic.

35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle

My daughter told me there is a small get together at school on Friday.
I asked her, “How small?”
She replied,
“Just you, me, and the principal.

[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]

witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*

I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today

My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.

Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined

Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”

[5 minutes later]

“twice”