Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
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It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.