Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today

*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*

haha excellent

This is so messed up and I love it 🤣

Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs

The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.

My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!

Then he held up my driver’s license

Lil Brain – Out of Leads

Same pineapple, same

#winning

[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?

My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.

Amazon Review: Ghost costume

⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not Recommend

Poorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.

It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it

[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.

[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*

[Baby shower]

Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.

I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.

Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.

Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”

Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”

I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.

Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???

[at the gym]

Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?

Waldo: Please don’t do that.

I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.

Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate

Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand

H: I can’t eat chocolate

Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*

As a doctor, I can confirm

me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember

me 5 seconds later: oh no

I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.

Spam popsicles.

*follow for more recipes

My first child will be named New Folder.

Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…

[last supper]

judas: this could’ve been an email

FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea