Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nobody:

5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?

if someone leaves your life it’s often because the actor playing them is getting cancelled in the real world

I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”

Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.

Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.

Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.

Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”

*mugger approaches*

Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”

You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”

I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.

Found out the hard way the bottle of wine in my parents’ fridge was load-bearing

I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.

I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.

*Slides down your chimney*

*Straightens all your pictures*

so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset

*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*

Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher

The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom

Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.

I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.

Waiter: can I take your order?

Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT

If history has taught us anything, it’s that fascism has always been fought against too quickly and too violently

people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.

“Smell ya later”

-me, to my asparagus

The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.

My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.

I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.

I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective

I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.

Bite me.

HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]

God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.

[taking FRIENDS quiz]

7. Which character do you most identify with?

Ross

8. Which is your least favorite character?

Ross