Midwest trash talk
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I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.
Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
🤝
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
I’m bout to start telling people “land your plane” when they’re talking in circles..
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
Woman: I make my pasta from scratch. Have you?
Me: I’ve made ice from scratch.