Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.
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I was at the Doctors office and he said the nurse was coming to give me a shot. I said, ” can my day get any worse?” Dr said to relax and as he walked out he said, ” and prostate exam today too’
on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
Been fired from my job in the sewer. Twenty years down the drain.
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands