Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.
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Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
Kidnapper: your coming with me
Me: * you’re
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
A mosquito bit me and now it’s gotten a DUI and an intervention
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
this is the most humiliating day of my life
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision