Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.
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No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
Wife: *packing a bag*
Me: Where are you going?
W: I’m leaving you for my boss
M: Don’t go—
W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind
M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note
W: I despise you
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
Gross negligence implies the existence of tasteful negligence
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.