*Midwesterners validating weather*
-20 out: “it wouldn’t be that cold without the wind”
99 degrees: “i’m only sweating because of the humidity”
20 degrees: “honestly if ya stand in the sun it’s not that bad”
47 degrees: driving with the windows down bc it’s finally “nice out”
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
My dog learned how to text
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.
God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
stretching isn’t enough I need to be able to disassemble my body like legos
[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
