*Midwesterners validating weather*
-20 out: “it wouldn’t be that cold without the wind”
99 degrees: “i’m only sweating because of the humidity”
20 degrees: “honestly if ya stand in the sun it’s not that bad”
47 degrees: driving with the windows down bc it’s finally “nice out”
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us
Me: Ok…
8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”
Me:
8yo:
11yo:
Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
Astrologer: do you know what we say about November birthdays?
Me: that the Valentines lingerie worked?
Astrologer: no
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh
Honey I made you some hotdog water
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
