Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Eating my way out of the ball pit.

HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?

watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.

The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.

The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.

You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit

Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?

Me: Yes, socks

Toddler: No!!

If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.

MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this

FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*

[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth

I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.

🌱🌱🌱

My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth

My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂

I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up

Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution

My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?

Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?

My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes

Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise

*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost

Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”

there are only 2 kinds of mayors: the kind you hate for ruining your city and your job and your life. and dogs

😂😂

‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’

– idiots

Wall-E is probably the most human love story of all: little gremlin man that collects cool shit meets shiny lady that wants him to have more plants.

Tuesday

The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief

*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog

Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.

Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.