Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD

“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀

Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.

Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?

Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess

The Roman Empire: was not built in one day

The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes

me: no shoes in the house

murderer: sorry

My son asked my wife why I make noises every time I stand up.

She told him it’s because I’m a groan man.

Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.

Names the boat Hell Sinky.

I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.

[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirt

Interviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?

I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.

An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.

one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭

[christmas morning]

ME: I have no gifts to bring

EVERYONE: booooo

ME: …pa rum pum pum pum

EVERYONE: yayyyyyy

Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters

Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway

There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.

I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.

me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first

Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.

“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”

[first day in prison]

ME: so whatcha in for?

HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions

ME: how many is too many?

HUGE CELLMATE: one

ME: oh no

I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.

Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.

If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.

Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?

Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon

My colleague struggled to say “think before you speak” and kept saying “speak before you speak” and I had to physically remove myself so I wouldn’t speak before I speak.

I shit my pants last week, which is crazy because I’m usually more of a toilet guy.

What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?