midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
You Might Also Like
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
Guys when life is tough and you feel nothing is going your way, remember, things could always be worse. You could have to take a shit at a music festival.
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes throughout my house.
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog