midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
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Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
My neck, my back, my…
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.