might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
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ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
Apple needs to develop a feature that disables Amazon when it knows you’re drinking.
Hashtag don’t drink and Prime.
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
😎 🍻
This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
the guy who ran this museum we are in in Slovenia just talked us through how the museum worked and then said “seeing as you’re British, please don’t steal anything for your own museum”
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
Not all heroes wear capes.
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
Yesterday, I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk at our local park.
Yes that’s right
She sells c cells down by the seesaw!
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much