Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight

honk shuah. sleep on that thang

I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.

No one is more surprised than my kids every night when i say it’s bed time.

The chicken coup is unlocked!

“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”

*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*

No, Snowball

My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss

I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice

Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.

Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently

My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.

My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.

*Pulls up to drive-thru window*

“Extra toilet paper please”

Do you mean napkins?

“Sure, whatever”

I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops

Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!

Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.

I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings

i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street

50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED

NED

50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT

NED

ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME

I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.

My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.

My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.

So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.

I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.

if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run

Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.

Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??

Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural

Me: this tape is itchy

Drug Dealer: what

Me: what

Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?

Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines

My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.

Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”

Me: [wisely] what goes around, comes around

Ferris wheel operator: [annoyed] please stop saying that every time you go past