Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.

So after 75 long days, this week is finally over

When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.

I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.

store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower

me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet

Reasons Pluto is so cold:

3) It’s far from the sun

2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.

1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.

6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?

Me: They can’t get in.

6: Why not?

Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.

the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage

[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult

[Chevy commercial]

“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”

Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded

Woman: I feared for my life the entire time

This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.

Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am

this plan is WAY too aggressive imho

90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.

When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.

Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.

You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.

kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back

me: *hugging his dog* no

There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.

I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.

damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously

Nobody:

Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!

Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl

(3:12am)

My cat: hi it’s time to walk on your face

Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown

Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to

Dear Gym,

I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…

I’m just using you to get into my own pants.

cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches