might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
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Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
#winning
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.