Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
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Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
The investigative skill of our customs officers is unbelievable. As in this case, it is often a tiny, almost imperceptible nuance that alerts their attention and leads to a seizure.
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!
[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!