Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle

i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic

Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!

*sigh*
Me: thanks God!

Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?

Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.

HFD:

Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.

Missionary, so we can keep arguing

After this very serious election let’s do one goofy one

Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.

Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage

5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?

morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it

[on the 7th day]

dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?

god: yeah totally harmless little dude

dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?

god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy

Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.

I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.

Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.

Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.

“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”

CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan

The night is dark and full of terrors.

My day is long and full of meetings.

Same thing.

Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.

Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.

I’m hosting an antisocial potluck,
Feel free to drop off your food and go

If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.

We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’

*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*

*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*

Librarian: can I check you out?

Me: sure [spins around]

Librarian: I meant your book

Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense

#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?

A panda with a set of drums.

Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right

*first date*

Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!

I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*

*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house

CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless

Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right

*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*