Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
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A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
Phonetics
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
