Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.
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If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
Blew my mind.
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
best heckle of my life. I just did the setup to a joke and a drunk lady in the front shouts out “that’s too niche!”