Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.
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The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled
I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!
(There is no school this week)
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
Truth
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When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
I’ll be mad as hell!
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All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
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[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.