Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
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*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.
My cousin started a group chat and I’m about 3 real questions away from them kicking me out.
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
Mirror, mirror on the wall like, wtf is your problem? Why do you keep staring at me?
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
When I die I want my hearse to play ice cream truck music
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
It’s amazing how much destruction a 4yo can cause between the hours of 5:30 and 5:37 am.
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
Herpes is trending, good job people
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.