Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
You Might Also Like
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
new bit: referring to my husband as my “ex-boyfriend”
Hiring a mortician to do my makeup while I sleep
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
I finally found a reason to live again.
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣