Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
You Might Also Like
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
just once id like to see people talking about a murder victim in an average way. like yeah tony always hated going food shopping. decent guy tho
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*
☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
Them: Our system thinks you might be a robot!
Me: Okay, cool can I just pay my electric bill anyway though?
3: I wuv you Mommy.
Me: I love you too!
3: Don’t talk to me.
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL
the pigeons are already plenty salty
Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?
Teenage me: definitely.
30s me: Wait, what
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?