Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
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Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
When I’m forced to visit people I don’t like I find a way to sneak their peanut butter into their fridge
chat should i buy a house or 1 sabrina carpenter ticket?
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
HER: what’s your sign?
ME: i’m an asparagus
HER: you mean aquarius
ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun
Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
Due to circumstances beyond my control… I am at work
if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
Tired of people being like “here’s my go-to easy meal” and then starting to preheat the oven
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?