Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
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Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
Me: When you hear hoof beats, think horses not zebr —[trampled by herd of bison]
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
*looks at recipe prep time: 10 minutes*
*two hours later*
Me: LIAR!
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
Where’s my employee discount too?
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
7yr old: The sun’s rotation doesn’t change the seasons. I just watched Tinkerbell and the fairies make it happen.
Me: Honey, you know about science and fairies are just in our imaginations.
7: What about the Tooth Fairy?
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: Oh right. It’s totally the fairies.