Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.

Her: Do me on that counter

*Later in therapy*

Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.

Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.

Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.

Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.

Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.

At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.

Me: How was school?

Toddler: Candice has a different mom.

Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.

My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.

“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”

[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders

Me: Go ahead.

Waiter: Huh?

Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.

Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.

[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”

My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”

Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles

One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him

I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.

Wife: “What did your teacher remember about September 11th?”

Nine-year-old: “She was only four then, she doesn’t remember it at all.”

dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.

Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.

Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.

Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before

I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.

[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]

Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.

The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.

>Take medicine to prevent symptoms
>The symptoms don’t occur

Wow I can’t believe I didn’t even need to take the medicine

Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.

Ok team, today we’re …..oh

I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.