Might f*** around and reply to all work emails with “make me
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“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
This sounds bad:
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
Urgh. Trying to buy a copy of Catch-22 online but the seller won’t post it until I’ve paid and I won’t pay until I’ve received it.
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.
If giants aren’t real then explain the 12 foot skeletons at Home Depot
lmfao come on
