Might f*** around and reply to all work emails with “make me
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I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone
I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that