Might f*** around and reply to all work emails with “make me
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Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
(Arrives at Topgolf bay for date night)
Wife: have you registered here before?
Matrix: idk, put my email in.
(“Osama bin Golfin” pops up on the screen)
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
If the zombie apocalypse happens we’re double screwed because at least 70 million are on record as having no brain
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.