Might f*** around and reply to all work emails with “make me
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*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?
Me: What? I don’t know
3: Dadda get up, go find it
Me: …..
3: …..
Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?
3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
OP deleted but I saved my stupid joke for posterity anyway
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
When you’ve simply given up.
screw you
