Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
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Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it
Obama: Joe!
Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit
Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!