Might fuck around and reply “history will absolve me” to all work emails.
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My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.
Man: No!
*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*
Nurse: *screams*
P: He convinced his body to do that.
N:
P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
favorite tropes as memes
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.