Might fuck around and respond “sorry, I’m on a bye” if my family asks me to do anything this week.
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I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
i will avenge u mr van gogh
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*
Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No
[petting a cat]
Owner: He’s my little fur baby
Me: Oh ok, so you must be his skin mommy
*staring at a ripped hoodie from 2002*
*glances over at a pile of new hoodies*
Me: Yep, time to stitch you up again, little buddy.
[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
This wording makes this visa sound a lot more exciting than it is
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.