Might fuck around and respond “sorry, I’m on a bye” if my family asks me to do anything this week.
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Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
For the second year in a row, work colleagues have failed to get me a birthday present or card. So, for the next 12 months, I’ll continue to take £5 out of each of their birthday collections as their backdated present to me. Cheers guys.
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
Someone stole the C and L off my work besties door, which I guess was probably pretty predictable in hindsight…
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
Oh the world we live in…
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.